Fishbowl: A Novel by Somer Bradley

Author:Somer, Bradley [Somer, Bradley]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9781466861701
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Published: 2015-08-03T16:00:00+00:00

29

In Which the Villain Connor Radley Judges His Heart and Finds It Wanting

Is it that simple? Connor wonders to himself.

He stands still, back to the balcony, and contemplates his tiny apartment.

Is it that easy to love someone? Is the feeling that simple? Surely it has to be more complex. Every time people talk about it, they say it’s this huge, life-changing emotion. But this is a subtler feeling than that. She’s everywhere, sure, in the things she has touched and left behind, but everything triggers a memory. It’s like he can see her, hear her, smell her everywhere. He thinks about her when she’s gone, and he cares not to hurt her. He does want to make her happy.

Are these things love?

Of course he wants to spend time with her and learn about her and ask her to move in … Is that true? He hadn’t thought about it before now.

Do I want to ask her to move in with me?

Connor’s eyes scan the apartment. He thought love would be a freight train of emotion, something huge and unwieldy and devastating. He sees everything Katie has touched in the apartment. The things she has moved and he remembers when she moved them. He sees the things she left behind. He remembers what she said when they were sitting on the couch together or while they were lying on the mattress. She’s always here in his mind.

Connor’s eyes drift to the bathroom. The door is open, and there’s a clutter of toiletries on the counter. A facecloth is crumpled in the corner against the wall. The condom wrapper on the floor, the peeled edge curled like a dried orange rind. The toothpaste and the toothbrushes sit in a cup by the basin. Two toothbrushes.

The toothbrushes, Connor thinks. Christ, I let Faye use Katie’s toothbrush. I told her it was for her.

This horrible shame, he wonders. Is this love?

The feeling that everything isn’t good enough for Katie, the feeling that no matter how good he is, it can’t be what she deserves, that is love. Everything he has done up until that point isn’t good enough. Katie doesn’t deserve Deb and Faye, and neither of them offers him a more fulfilling existence than Katie does.

But Deb, oh dirty Deb. She let him do things to her that most girls he asked wouldn’t. And she seemed to enjoy it too. He would have been too shy to ask such things, but she pretty much begged him for it. She loved it. In fact, a few of those things had been her idea from the start. Connor hadn’t even conceived of a few of them, which was surprising because where sex is involved, he has contemplated almost everything.

Connor blinks against the thought, trying to erase the images of Deb from his memory.

He decides that even Deb’s kinks aren’t worth hurting Katie. Deb’s not enough. He can forgo her for a lifetime with Katie. Then he thinks differently, maybe not … Deb and Faye were outstanding; it’s a lot to give up.

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